With the Truth, The Story Never Changes

Often, when people talk to the same people time and time again, things that one person might have heard from another person during one conversation will be contradicted or disputed during a different conversation. This is because some people will tell whatever story they feel represents them the best at the time of the telling. The problem with this is that if people can remember what you said the first time, they will realize that you are not telling the same story the next time, which is why I have told my children that if they tell the truth every time, the narrative will never change.

People lie, there is no denying that. Sometimes people lie because they want to seem more important, and sometimes people lie because they do not want to have to discuss the truth. Still other times, people lie because they know that the person with whom they are speaking will not like or appreciate the truth (e.g., Does this dress make me look fat?). Whatever the reason, if we feel that it is necessary to tell an untruth, or if we tell untruths unconsciously, it is often difficult to retain the lies over time. It is because of this that many parents are able to know when their children are lying. The parent simply waits for the contradiction, and then refers the child back to the original conversation.

I have often told my children that if they tell the truth all of the time, the narrative will never change. If on one occasion a person says that they do not like a person of a certain race, their statement that they have no problem with people of that race becomes a direct contradiction of the previous statement. However, if they say how they truly feel and always speak truthfully about that issue, they will never be caught in a contradictory situation.

Telling the truth is something that should come easily because the truth is seldom something that has to be thought about or considered before it is told. A lie usually has to be crafted, unless the lie was prepared in advance. In many occasions, a person who was lied to will be angrier about finding out in the future that they had been lied to in the past than they would be if they had been lied to and had detected it immediately. This is why I have told my children that if they tell the truth all of the time, then the narrative never changes.

If You Don't Know...Ask

Whenever we as parents talk to our children about peer pressure, we talk about things like drugs, sex and crime, but perhaps the worst peer pressure comes in school with the fear of being labeled “stupid” or a dummy for asking a question in class. When the teacher is going over a lesson in class, more often than not, children will have questions, and quite often, several children will have the same question, but these children will elect not to ask their question because they do not want the other kids to make fun of them for not being smart enough to understand the lesson.

One of the things that I have told my children is that through the course of their education, they have to be the person who makes sure that they finish school with whatever education they need in order to benefit the rest of their lives. I tell them that the only way that this is going to happen is if they take ownership of their education, and do whatever it takes to make sure that they learn everything that they can, and generally, this means asking questions when they don’t understand something. I tell them that the other kids probably have the same questions, but they are just as afraid to ask them because they do not want to get teased either.

I understand that being teased in school is harsh, but I try to get my children to understand the endgame of school, which is success in life. Education is the key to being able to do whatever they want to in life, and to making whatever money they want to make. I tell them that the only way that this can happen is if they look beyond some name calling and look towards their future, when they will appreciate the knowledge that they would have gained through school, in particular, the extra that would have come from asking the question that the other children were afraid to ask.

Stop Making Excuses for Failures

One thing that I notice from my children is that they always have a reason regarding what happened when they fail or they don’t measure up. While nearly everything that happens can possibly be explained, many times, when a person does not meet their goal or does not accomplish what they set out to accomplish, the reason usually is that the person fell short of reaching their goal and there is no other explanation necessary.

When I speak to my children, I often have to explain to them the difference between a “reason” and an “excuse”. The definition of a “reason” is a statement presented in justification or explanation of a belief or action, while “excuse” is defined as a reason or explanation put forward to defend or justify a fault or offense. While it appears that these words mean the same, using the word “reason” to define “excuse”, and using “action” in the definition of one and “fault” in the definition of the other uncovers the difference. When something happens, we can explain it by stating the reason. When something bad happens, we try to explain it away by making an excuse.

If a person who rips their pants says that they fell and skinned their knee, which is how the pants ripped, they are explaining the reason that their pants are ripped and that their knee is bloody. However, when a person says that their homework is not complete because they had trouble understanding the work, yet they neglected to ask for help, they are making an excuse in an attempt to cover up their not asking for help when they were struggling with their work. It is here where I attempt to instruct my children on the difference between the two words.

I often tell my children, and other young people that I am fortunate enough to speak with, that when we use excuses to cover up our failures or our lack of effort; we are attempting to justify our own mediocrity or our own flaws. If a child does not understand their math homework, and if the parents cannot help, surely, there is someone who can, even if the child has to go to the teacher to explain that the child does not understand the work. However, when the child comes home and says that the class was too noisy for the child to be able to ask a question, or that the teacher didn’t pause during class for questions, I explain to my children that these are excuses for the child’s lack of effort and possibly, the child’s lack of commitment.

It is important that all people, both young and old, understand that unless we have done everything in our power to manage or overcome a problem, any explanation of our failure is probably an excuse because if there is more that we can do to solve the problem, then we should not be focusing on the failure. The truth is that we should be evaluating the failure so that we can determine an alternative course of action.

One thing that we as parents have to remember is that often times, the children do not realize that they have not exhausted all avenues for solving their problems. They will tell us that they are failing in a class because the teacher is too hard, but they do not realize that if someone is passing the class, then there is something that the passing child has figured out that the failing child has not. The child may believe that the teacher is simply too hard, and if a couple of other students are also struggling, then this must be the reason, but if one or more children are passing, the child might not have considered asking the passing children for help, but this would be a child admitting that they need help, and getting a child to do that is a topic for another day.

Parents have to understand that children are going to make excuses for their failures. As parents, our job is to take the excuses and turn them into teaching moments and opportunities to introduce the other options to our children. If the child thinks that the teacher is too hard, then we let the child know that if a single child is passing, then that child should become a resource. However, the most important thing that we can teach our children is to not accept failure and mediocrity, and to teach them that success comes from continued effort.

The "They" that is Holding You Back Might Actually Be "You"

Many times in our lives, both as children and as adults, we find ourselves in situations where we are not sure why the bad thing that has happened to us has happened. Often times, when we are at a loss for a logical explanation, we will simply say that “they” didn’t want us to succeed. However, what we need to ask ourselves is “they” really who we think it is.

I knew a young lady some years ago who was a very good worker with really good skills in her chosen profession. Whatever the job was that she was given, she could do the work expertly and quickly, but this was her problem. She would often be released from positions, but whenever she was questioned about her terminations; her answer would always be “they don’t like me on that job”. When I would ask her who “they” was, she would say “everybody on the job”, meaning the bosses, her co-workers and everyone else. I would try to explain that it was unlikely that everyone at the company disliked her personally, and the reality of the situation would often be much different.

After discussing the situation with her, I would discover that being highly skilled would allow her to complete her assigned work very quickly. However, once she was done with her work, she would sit at her desk with nothing to do until quitting time. When her supervisors would ask why she was not working, she would explain that she had finished her work and that no one has assigned her any new work. When the supervisors would ask why she hadn’t asked her co-workers if they needed help with their work, she usually didn’t have an answer, and it would be this lack of initiative that would lead to her dismissal. The point of this is that before we blame “they”, we need to figure out what, if any, part we might have played on our own trouble.

My children have come to learn that no matter what happens in their lives, there is almost always a cause and effect, meaning that something probably happened that caused that other thing to happen. If one child is crying and is running to me to tell me that the other child has hit him or her, I will ask the child who was hit what happened just before they were hit. Sometimes, after taking the events in reverse order, through several exchanges, the person who was hit actually began the chain of events that ended with the child being hit by the other child. While the hitting child will be disciplined for resorting to violence to resolve a conflict, the child who was hit will be educated with regards to the fact that something that they did eventually led to them being hit, and that it is not just a situation of the other child being mean to them.

What we as people have to do, before we claim that no one wants to hire us because they don’t like us, or because of our race or gender, we should look at ourselves. Before we claim that society is holding us back, we should look at ourselves. Maybe we have a Twitter account or a Facebook account that has disturbing information on it. Maybe our previous employer intimated that we didn’t work very hard. Maybe we have an arrest for theft, and now an employer that has an opening for someone to handle money doesn’t trust us to be honest. In short, there might be things about us that are keeping us from succeeding or advancing.

What I have told my children is that in some instances, the “they” that is causing the problem is actually us. The person that is holding us back could be us. We could actually be in our own way, but we are blaming “they” because we do not want to admit that we are not doing enough to help ourselves. Unfortunately,  before we blame “they”, we have to examine the situation, and look at all of the events that led to the happening that we are upset over, because we might find out that the “they” that is in our way is actually “us”. 

Children Must Advocate for Themselves

Often, as a father, I am put in the position of assisting my children with problems that might have been avoidable with some foresight on the part of the children. Many times, children get into situations, particularly in settings where they are functioning closely with others from their age groups, where they are intimidated by the prospect of what other children will think of them for asking for help or pretending to care about whatever it is in which they are involved. This situation is particularly prevalent in school settings.

Frequently, children will allow themselves to struggle through a challenging class as opposed to simply asking a question in class or seeking help from a tutor or an older relative who might be proficient in that particular subject. The reluctance to ask for help on the part of the child often comes from the child fearing being labeled as a “bookworm” or a “nerd” because they care more about learning in school than Pop Culture or the opposite sex. As such, the child will not ask for help from the teacher, but at the same time, the child will try to convince the parent that they fully understand the subject, while the child’s grade shows otherwise.

I have often had to tell my children that they should become advocates for themselves. I mention to the children that they must work hard for everything they want from life, but I also state that they must take advantage of every available resource. One area where my children have struggled is the notion that any work assigned and completed inside of the classroom should afford the child an easy passing grade simply because the child not only has the textbook as a resource but also has access to the teacher and the teacher’s knowledge. The problem is that many children are afraid to ask questions in class because they believe they will be made fun of by the other children for not knowing a particular thing. The truth is, however, in many cases, many of the children in the class have the same or similar questions but are also experiencing the same reluctance to be seen as dumb or as someone who truly cares about their education.

For these reasons, I have told my children that they have to become advocates for themselves. They must do all they can to get as much from their education as possible. Raising a hand in class and asking a question might get the child teased temporarily, but once the child has grasped the concept from the lesson, the same children who teased the child will invariably turn to that child for assistance understanding the material.

I have told my children that the future will ask them to earn a living and raise a family, and to do this, the children will need options regarding how they will support themselves and their families. Even the child who desires to become a professional athlete, an entertainer, or an artist of some kind has to be able to make money until they can make money doing that which they desire the most, but to make money and support a family while pursuing a dream, education matters, and that education starts with working to get every ounce from the teachers and the schools.

Children also have to learn that parents will not think less of them if the children are not perfect students. Once children can admit to their parents that they are not perfect students and might need help with a topic, the children then allow the parents to become additional resources towards the children’s educational success. I am strong in math and history, while my wife is proficient in English, particularly grammar and syntax. Regarding the subjects where we are not as strong, like science, we have friends in the medical profession who willingly help our children when asked, just as we do for their children in subjects we know better. Children also need to tap into these resources because adult relatives can be educational resources.

Peer pressure and the fear of not fitting in or being accepted are real among young people, and this fear controls many of their decisions. However, it is necessary that children understand, and that we as parents help them to understand, that in the end, what they get out of life will result directly from what they put into their lives. Children who don’t get all they can out of school or who cannot overcome the fear of rejection from their peers because they excel educationally will often have trouble navigating their futures due to having fewer professional options. I have told my children that they must, above all else, look out for themselves and their futures and should allow whoever can help with their pursuits to do so.