Total Honesty Prepares Children for The Worst Possible Scenarios

My kids say that sometimes, when offering guidance, I am overly dramatic, because I often relate my advice to the worst possible scenarios. This is because I believe that if a person at least considers the worst possible outcome to their situation, then they will be prepared for anything that happens with that situation. It is like what Clausewitz wrote in his book on war. Clausewitz wrote that we should not prepare only for what we think that an opponent might do, but we should prepare for all that we know an opponent is capable of, and this is what I have tried to teach my children about life. Heightened preparedness creates a competitive advantage.

One thing that I discuss in this vein with my children is the matter of honesty. When they were younger, I told them that they should always be honest with their parents. The reason that I gave for this was because there might be an instance where they are faced with expulsion from school or prison time because they are accused of a heinous act. As a parent, I always wanted to be able to stand behind my children and believe their version of the story.

My instruction to my children was to always be honest with their parents. That way, without question, if the children said that they were innocent, then we could stand behind our children with impunity. When asked by my children why it had to be expulsion or prison, I would reply that it was because these were the worse cases, and as I mentioned, they would be prepared for anything less than this.

Parents will always defend their children against outside forces, but many times, though the parents stand behind the kids no matter what, when the forces provide evidence that the children are not being truthful, the parents are made to look foolish for not knowing the child as well as they thought. However, an unflinching policy of honesty between child and parent and vice versa creates unyielding support from the parents and prepares the children to be able to face down the worst possible scenarios with the knowledge that they have built-in support from their parents.

Asking For Help Does Not Make One Weak

When I was in high school, Driver’s Ed was a required class, and I took it during the 2^nd semester of my 10^th grade year. After the class, I could have gotten my driving permit, but because I wasn’t willing to discuss things with other people, I didn’t. I took Driver’s Training during the 1^st semester of my 11^th grade year, and after the class, I could have gotten my driver’s license, but because I wasn’t willing to discuss things with people, I didn’t. When I finally went to the DMV to take the written test, so much time had passed since taking Driver’s Ed, and since I hadn’t studied, I failed the test twice. I passed the test a year later, but I went from possibly having a driver’s license at 15, to getting it a few months shy of 17; not a big difference, but a difference. 

During this same time, I had amassed enough credits to be able to graduate from high school one semester early. However, when I approached my counselor to tell her that I was ready to leave school, she asked me if I had taken the Civics class that was required for seniors. When I realized that I hadn’t, I was forced to return to school for an additional semester in order to take a single class. As it turned out, if I had spoken to my counselor before my senior year in high school, I would have known about the class, would have taken the class, and would have finished high school one semester early. 

The meaning of this is that young people often convince themselves that older generations are not able to relate to the modern times, and thus cannot offer advice or information that will help the current generation. The truth is that experience is a great teacher, and people who have experienced things can use those experiences as educational tools for the next generations. 

I always tell my children that they need to be willing to, and cannot be afraid to, ask for help. It is possible to learn things on one’s own, but at times, there will be a need to get answers from people who have information that we do not have, or who can give us insight into an unknown situation, like with my driver’s license. 

Asking for help does not make a person weak or inferior. In fact, the opposite is true. Greater strength is required when we admit that we do not know everything, and that help is needed, or that we simply need to speak to someone about our situation. Stewing in a vat of misinformation does not make us stronger. Asking for help shows strength, and receiving help when needed strengthens us even more.

Behaving Like a Racist Makes You a Racist

Funny thing…if a white person says something derogatory about a person of color or performs an action to the detriment of a person of color, that white person will be considered a racist or a bigot. However, if a person of color says something derogatory about a white person, whether in comedy or as an act of defiance, that person of color will be considered to be acting out in response to many years of oppression and racial mistreatment. The sad reality is that racism is racism, whether as an action or as a reaction. 

Racism is defined as the belief that all members of each race possess characteristics or abilities specific to that race, especially so as to distinguish it as inferior or superior to another race or races. One of the things that I have taught my children is that if they want to be respected, then they have to show respect. While it is true that there will be instances where decisions will be made based on race, religion, gender or some other classification, more often than not, people will get out of life whatever they put into it. If a person behaves in a racist manner, they will be considered a racist, even if they are simply, in their minds, reacting to racism that they themselves had to endure.    

This piece is not designed to do anything more than say that racism is wrong, while some will see this as anti-black, anti-white, anti-comedy or anti-something else that can create controversy and conversation. The truth is that as a black man, I have been mistreated racially by white people, but I always looked at those instanced as exceptions as opposed to as the standards. The bible tells us that God wants us to treat others the way that we would want to be treated and that we should leave acts of revenge to God, and this is what I teach my children. Behaving is a racist manner in response to being racially mistreated makes us no better than those who we claim to have oppressed us. 

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If You Don't Know...Ask

Whenever we as parents talk to our children about peer pressure, we talk about things like drugs, sex and crime, but perhaps the worst peer pressure comes in school with the fear of being labeled “stupid” or a dummy for asking a question in class. When the teacher is going over a lesson in class, more often than not, children will have questions, and quite often, several children will have the same question, but these children will elect not to ask their question because they do not want the other kids to make fun of them for not being smart enough to understand the lesson.

One of the things that I have told my children is that through the course of their education, they have to be the person who makes sure that they finish school with whatever education they need in order to benefit the rest of their lives. I tell them that the only way that this is going to happen is if they take ownership of their education, and do whatever it takes to make sure that they learn everything that they can, and generally, this means asking questions when they don’t understand something. I tell them that the other kids probably have the same questions, but they are just as afraid to ask them because they do not want to get teased either.

I understand that being teased in school is harsh, but I try to get my children to understand the endgame of school, which is success in life. Education is the key to being able to do whatever they want to in life, and to making whatever money they want to make. I tell them that the only way that this can happen is if they look beyond some name calling and look towards their future, when they will appreciate the knowledge that they would have gained through school, in particular, the extra that would have come from asking the question that the other children were afraid to ask.

Stop Making Excuses for Failures

One thing that I notice from my children is that they always have a reason regarding what happened when they fail or they don’t measure up. While nearly everything that happens can possibly be explained, many times, when a person does not meet their goal or does not accomplish what they set out to accomplish, the reason usually is that the person fell short of reaching their goal and there is no other explanation necessary.

When I speak to my children, I often have to explain to them the difference between a “reason” and an “excuse”. The definition of a “reason” is a statement presented in justification or explanation of a belief or action, while “excuse” is defined as a reason or explanation put forward to defend or justify a fault or offense. While it appears that these words mean the same, using the word “reason” to define “excuse”, and using “action” in the definition of one and “fault” in the definition of the other uncovers the difference. When something happens, we can explain it by stating the reason. When something bad happens, we try to explain it away by making an excuse.

If a person who rips their pants says that they fell and skinned their knee, which is how the pants ripped, they are explaining the reason that their pants are ripped and that their knee is bloody. However, when a person says that their homework is not complete because they had trouble understanding the work, yet they neglected to ask for help, they are making an excuse in an attempt to cover up their not asking for help when they were struggling with their work. It is here where I attempt to instruct my children on the difference between the two words.

I often tell my children, and other young people that I am fortunate enough to speak with, that when we use excuses to cover up our failures or our lack of effort; we are attempting to justify our own mediocrity or our own flaws. If a child does not understand their math homework, and if the parents cannot help, surely, there is someone who can, even if the child has to go to the teacher to explain that the child does not understand the work. However, when the child comes home and says that the class was too noisy for the child to be able to ask a question, or that the teacher didn’t pause during class for questions, I explain to my children that these are excuses for the child’s lack of effort and possibly, the child’s lack of commitment.

It is important that all people, both young and old, understand that unless we have done everything in our power to manage or overcome a problem, any explanation of our failure is probably an excuse because if there is more that we can do to solve the problem, then we should not be focusing on the failure. The truth is that we should be evaluating the failure so that we can determine an alternative course of action.

One thing that we as parents have to remember is that often times, the children do not realize that they have not exhausted all avenues for solving their problems. They will tell us that they are failing in a class because the teacher is too hard, but they do not realize that if someone is passing the class, then there is something that the passing child has figured out that the failing child has not. The child may believe that the teacher is simply too hard, and if a couple of other students are also struggling, then this must be the reason, but if one or more children are passing, the child might not have considered asking the passing children for help, but this would be a child admitting that they need help, and getting a child to do that is a topic for another day.

Parents have to understand that children are going to make excuses for their failures. As parents, our job is to take the excuses and turn them into teaching moments and opportunities to introduce the other options to our children. If the child thinks that the teacher is too hard, then we let the child know that if a single child is passing, then that child should become a resource. However, the most important thing that we can teach our children is to not accept failure and mediocrity, and to teach them that success comes from continued effort.

Children Must Advocate for Themselves

Often, as a father, I am put in the position of assisting my children with problems that might have been avoidable with some foresight on the part of the children. Many times, children get into situations, particularly in settings where they are functioning closely with others from their age groups, where they are intimidated by the prospect of what other children will think of them for asking for help or pretending to care about whatever it is in which they are involved. This situation is particularly prevalent in school settings.

Frequently, children will allow themselves to struggle through a challenging class as opposed to simply asking a question in class or seeking help from a tutor or an older relative who might be proficient in that particular subject. The reluctance to ask for help on the part of the child often comes from the child fearing being labeled as a “bookworm” or a “nerd” because they care more about learning in school than Pop Culture or the opposite sex. As such, the child will not ask for help from the teacher, but at the same time, the child will try to convince the parent that they fully understand the subject, while the child’s grade shows otherwise.

I have often had to tell my children that they should become advocates for themselves. I mention to the children that they must work hard for everything they want from life, but I also state that they must take advantage of every available resource. One area where my children have struggled is the notion that any work assigned and completed inside of the classroom should afford the child an easy passing grade simply because the child not only has the textbook as a resource but also has access to the teacher and the teacher’s knowledge. The problem is that many children are afraid to ask questions in class because they believe they will be made fun of by the other children for not knowing a particular thing. The truth is, however, in many cases, many of the children in the class have the same or similar questions but are also experiencing the same reluctance to be seen as dumb or as someone who truly cares about their education.

For these reasons, I have told my children that they have to become advocates for themselves. They must do all they can to get as much from their education as possible. Raising a hand in class and asking a question might get the child teased temporarily, but once the child has grasped the concept from the lesson, the same children who teased the child will invariably turn to that child for assistance understanding the material.

I have told my children that the future will ask them to earn a living and raise a family, and to do this, the children will need options regarding how they will support themselves and their families. Even the child who desires to become a professional athlete, an entertainer, or an artist of some kind has to be able to make money until they can make money doing that which they desire the most, but to make money and support a family while pursuing a dream, education matters, and that education starts with working to get every ounce from the teachers and the schools.

Children also have to learn that parents will not think less of them if the children are not perfect students. Once children can admit to their parents that they are not perfect students and might need help with a topic, the children then allow the parents to become additional resources towards the children’s educational success. I am strong in math and history, while my wife is proficient in English, particularly grammar and syntax. Regarding the subjects where we are not as strong, like science, we have friends in the medical profession who willingly help our children when asked, just as we do for their children in subjects we know better. Children also need to tap into these resources because adult relatives can be educational resources.

Peer pressure and the fear of not fitting in or being accepted are real among young people, and this fear controls many of their decisions. However, it is necessary that children understand, and that we as parents help them to understand, that in the end, what they get out of life will result directly from what they put into their lives. Children who don’t get all they can out of school or who cannot overcome the fear of rejection from their peers because they excel educationally will often have trouble navigating their futures due to having fewer professional options. I have told my children that they must, above all else, look out for themselves and their futures and should allow whoever can help with their pursuits to do so.