Total Honesty Prepares Children for The Worst Possible Scenarios

My kids say that sometimes, when offering guidance, I am overly dramatic, because I often relate my advice to the worst possible scenarios. This is because I believe that if a person at least considers the worst possible outcome to their situation, then they will be prepared for anything that happens with that situation. It is like what Clausewitz wrote in his book on war. Clausewitz wrote that we should not prepare only for what we think that an opponent might do, but we should prepare for all that we know an opponent is capable of, and this is what I have tried to teach my children about life. Heightened preparedness creates a competitive advantage.

One thing that I discuss in this vein with my children is the matter of honesty. When they were younger, I told them that they should always be honest with their parents. The reason that I gave for this was because there might be an instance where they are faced with expulsion from school or prison time because they are accused of a heinous act. As a parent, I always wanted to be able to stand behind my children and believe their version of the story.

My instruction to my children was to always be honest with their parents. That way, without question, if the children said that they were innocent, then we could stand behind our children with impunity. When asked by my children why it had to be expulsion or prison, I would reply that it was because these were the worse cases, and as I mentioned, they would be prepared for anything less than this.

Parents will always defend their children against outside forces, but many times, though the parents stand behind the kids no matter what, when the forces provide evidence that the children are not being truthful, the parents are made to look foolish for not knowing the child as well as they thought. However, an unflinching policy of honesty between child and parent and vice versa creates unyielding support from the parents and prepares the children to be able to face down the worst possible scenarios with the knowledge that they have built-in support from their parents.

Live Like a Child

Recently, I was in a shop where I needed to pick up some merchandise. The usual procedure here is that I have placed an order, and then I go to the shop, tell them about my order, they bring it to me, and then I sign for it and take it away. Anyway, when I arrived at this shop, there was a little girl there with her father and the girl couldn’t have been more than three or four years old. As soon as the little girl saw me, she greeted me with a very pleasant “hello”, and then, knowing that I would have to sign for my order, she reached up onto the counter in the shop and gave me a pen.

This interaction started me thinking that if more people lived and behaved like children, the world would be a much better place. Now, I am not referring to running around out of control in the name of playing, putting foreign objects into our mouths, and screaming and crying when we don’t get what we want or are told “no”. I’m talking about being pleasant as often as possible, being friendly with perfect strangers, and doing things for people because it is necessary without asking for anything in return. 

Clearly, not every child behaves like this little girl. Many children are either too shy to say “hello” to strangers, and many might not yet be able to grasp the idea of giving someone a pen because they know that the person will need to sign something. However, small children seldom behave maliciously towards others, and are usually less inhibited towards strangers than adults. Small children also nearly always have positive attitudes and are in good moods unless something is bothering them. People need to be happier, more pleasant and more helpful towards others. In other words, people need to be more like children and the world would be a better place.

The Big Lie (Excerpt from "Things I've Learned From the Word")

Consider for a moment that everything that we have learned from the bible and about the bible is false. Imagine what life would be like if we did not believe in God and if we chose not to follow the Ten Commandments. Our lives might be very different if we didn’t have God. We would not have to worry about what God would do to us if we did not obey the Commandments, so for a moment, consider what life on Earth would be like.

The Sixth Commandment says that we should not commit murder. As we know, murder is against the law, and if we are found guilty of committing murder, we will spend a long time in jail, or we might possibly be sentenced to the death penalty. Aside from this, I know that I would not like to think about the prospect of someone killing or wanting to kill me, so the idea of being a victim of murder is something of which I am not in favor. Also, I have no desire to kill anyone else, and most sensible people do not wish to be murdered, so this is a law that many follow whether or not they believe in God. 

The bible also says that we should not steal or lie, referring to lying as bearing false witness against one’s neighbor. Simply put, no sensible person would want someone to steal their property or to tell lies about them. There have been many people who have gotten in trouble with the law, with their spouses, or on their jobs because someone told a lie that involved them. I have both almost lost a job, and have been punched in the nose because of lies someone else told. I have also had my possessions stolen from me, both by strangers and by people who claimed to be my friends, so I, like everyone else, can attest to the fact that living in a society where people did these things regularly would not be a society in which many would choose to or would prefer to live.

To put this plainly, even if a person chose not to believe in God, if that person was rational and reasonable, that person would not want someone stealing from them, telling lies about them, killing them or sleeping with their spouse while cursing at them constantly, so whether or not they are believers in God, most people obey a majority of the Ten Commandments, and if they are going to obey most of them, they might as well believe in God, live according to the whole word of God, and reap the blessings that God has for those of us who believe. It seems to make sense that if a person lives according to some of the word anyway, that they would want to have the abundant, prosperous life that comes from obeying the rest of the word of God.

With the Truth, The Story Never Changes

Often, when people talk to the same people time and time again, things that one person might have heard from another person during one conversation will be contradicted or disputed during a different conversation. This is because some people will tell whatever story they feel represents them the best at the time of the telling. The problem with this is that if people can remember what you said the first time, they will realize that you are not telling the same story the next time, which is why I have told my children that if they tell the truth every time, the narrative will never change.

People lie, there is no denying that. Sometimes people lie because they want to seem more important, and sometimes people lie because they do not want to have to discuss the truth. Still other times, people lie because they know that the person with whom they are speaking will not like or appreciate the truth (e.g., Does this dress make me look fat?). Whatever the reason, if we feel that it is necessary to tell an untruth, or if we tell untruths unconsciously, it is often difficult to retain the lies over time. It is because of this that many parents are able to know when their children are lying. The parent simply waits for the contradiction, and then refers the child back to the original conversation.

I have often told my children that if they tell the truth all of the time, the narrative will never change. If on one occasion a person says that they do not like a person of a certain race, their statement that they have no problem with people of that race becomes a direct contradiction of the previous statement. However, if they say how they truly feel and always speak truthfully about that issue, they will never be caught in a contradictory situation.

Telling the truth is something that should come easily because the truth is seldom something that has to be thought about or considered before it is told. A lie usually has to be crafted, unless the lie was prepared in advance. In many occasions, a person who was lied to will be angrier about finding out in the future that they had been lied to in the past than they would be if they had been lied to and had detected it immediately. This is why I have told my children that if they tell the truth all of the time, then the narrative never changes.

Stop Making Excuses for Failures

One thing that I notice from my children is that they always have a reason regarding what happened when they fail or they don’t measure up. While nearly everything that happens can possibly be explained, many times, when a person does not meet their goal or does not accomplish what they set out to accomplish, the reason usually is that the person fell short of reaching their goal and there is no other explanation necessary.

When I speak to my children, I often have to explain to them the difference between a “reason” and an “excuse”. The definition of a “reason” is a statement presented in justification or explanation of a belief or action, while “excuse” is defined as a reason or explanation put forward to defend or justify a fault or offense. While it appears that these words mean the same, using the word “reason” to define “excuse”, and using “action” in the definition of one and “fault” in the definition of the other uncovers the difference. When something happens, we can explain it by stating the reason. When something bad happens, we try to explain it away by making an excuse.

If a person who rips their pants says that they fell and skinned their knee, which is how the pants ripped, they are explaining the reason that their pants are ripped and that their knee is bloody. However, when a person says that their homework is not complete because they had trouble understanding the work, yet they neglected to ask for help, they are making an excuse in an attempt to cover up their not asking for help when they were struggling with their work. It is here where I attempt to instruct my children on the difference between the two words.

I often tell my children, and other young people that I am fortunate enough to speak with, that when we use excuses to cover up our failures or our lack of effort; we are attempting to justify our own mediocrity or our own flaws. If a child does not understand their math homework, and if the parents cannot help, surely, there is someone who can, even if the child has to go to the teacher to explain that the child does not understand the work. However, when the child comes home and says that the class was too noisy for the child to be able to ask a question, or that the teacher didn’t pause during class for questions, I explain to my children that these are excuses for the child’s lack of effort and possibly, the child’s lack of commitment.

It is important that all people, both young and old, understand that unless we have done everything in our power to manage or overcome a problem, any explanation of our failure is probably an excuse because if there is more that we can do to solve the problem, then we should not be focusing on the failure. The truth is that we should be evaluating the failure so that we can determine an alternative course of action.

One thing that we as parents have to remember is that often times, the children do not realize that they have not exhausted all avenues for solving their problems. They will tell us that they are failing in a class because the teacher is too hard, but they do not realize that if someone is passing the class, then there is something that the passing child has figured out that the failing child has not. The child may believe that the teacher is simply too hard, and if a couple of other students are also struggling, then this must be the reason, but if one or more children are passing, the child might not have considered asking the passing children for help, but this would be a child admitting that they need help, and getting a child to do that is a topic for another day.

Parents have to understand that children are going to make excuses for their failures. As parents, our job is to take the excuses and turn them into teaching moments and opportunities to introduce the other options to our children. If the child thinks that the teacher is too hard, then we let the child know that if a single child is passing, then that child should become a resource. However, the most important thing that we can teach our children is to not accept failure and mediocrity, and to teach them that success comes from continued effort.

Children Must Advocate for Themselves

Often, as a father, I am put in the position of assisting my children with problems that might have been avoidable with some foresight on the part of the children. Many times, children get into situations, particularly in settings where they are functioning closely with others from their age groups, where they are intimidated by the prospect of what other children will think of them for asking for help or pretending to care about whatever it is in which they are involved. This situation is particularly prevalent in school settings.

Frequently, children will allow themselves to struggle through a challenging class as opposed to simply asking a question in class or seeking help from a tutor or an older relative who might be proficient in that particular subject. The reluctance to ask for help on the part of the child often comes from the child fearing being labeled as a “bookworm” or a “nerd” because they care more about learning in school than Pop Culture or the opposite sex. As such, the child will not ask for help from the teacher, but at the same time, the child will try to convince the parent that they fully understand the subject, while the child’s grade shows otherwise.

I have often had to tell my children that they should become advocates for themselves. I mention to the children that they must work hard for everything they want from life, but I also state that they must take advantage of every available resource. One area where my children have struggled is the notion that any work assigned and completed inside of the classroom should afford the child an easy passing grade simply because the child not only has the textbook as a resource but also has access to the teacher and the teacher’s knowledge. The problem is that many children are afraid to ask questions in class because they believe they will be made fun of by the other children for not knowing a particular thing. The truth is, however, in many cases, many of the children in the class have the same or similar questions but are also experiencing the same reluctance to be seen as dumb or as someone who truly cares about their education.

For these reasons, I have told my children that they have to become advocates for themselves. They must do all they can to get as much from their education as possible. Raising a hand in class and asking a question might get the child teased temporarily, but once the child has grasped the concept from the lesson, the same children who teased the child will invariably turn to that child for assistance understanding the material.

I have told my children that the future will ask them to earn a living and raise a family, and to do this, the children will need options regarding how they will support themselves and their families. Even the child who desires to become a professional athlete, an entertainer, or an artist of some kind has to be able to make money until they can make money doing that which they desire the most, but to make money and support a family while pursuing a dream, education matters, and that education starts with working to get every ounce from the teachers and the schools.

Children also have to learn that parents will not think less of them if the children are not perfect students. Once children can admit to their parents that they are not perfect students and might need help with a topic, the children then allow the parents to become additional resources towards the children’s educational success. I am strong in math and history, while my wife is proficient in English, particularly grammar and syntax. Regarding the subjects where we are not as strong, like science, we have friends in the medical profession who willingly help our children when asked, just as we do for their children in subjects we know better. Children also need to tap into these resources because adult relatives can be educational resources.

Peer pressure and the fear of not fitting in or being accepted are real among young people, and this fear controls many of their decisions. However, it is necessary that children understand, and that we as parents help them to understand, that in the end, what they get out of life will result directly from what they put into their lives. Children who don’t get all they can out of school or who cannot overcome the fear of rejection from their peers because they excel educationally will often have trouble navigating their futures due to having fewer professional options. I have told my children that they must, above all else, look out for themselves and their futures and should allow whoever can help with their pursuits to do so.