Helpers Need Help Too

A question that I hear a lot is who helps the helpers. There are people on this planet whose life work, accidentally or on purpose, is helping others. Whether they are pastors, doctors, or a co-worker on the job who seems to know a little about everything, these people are always there when someone needs help. Unfortunately, these same people often do not know who to turn to when they need help.

These people do not know who to turn to, as they are unwilling to admit to not having the answers for themselves. Looking objectively at someone else’s situation is easier for a helper than looking internally. However, helpers need to know that there someone can help them.

Recently, a friend of mine was going through a crisis, and this person’s only recourse was cryptic messages on social media. The posts did not accurately convey this person’s situation, and as such, their social media connections had more questions than answers. If this person, who is a helper, had reached out to another helper within their inner circle, they might have been able to gain a greater insight into their problem and possibly achieve a sense of what their next course of action should be. Instead, my friend still had unresolved issues, and their social media connections could only worry, hoping for a light at the end of the tunnel.

The fact is that as people, we know less about ourselves than others do. The reason is that we cannot be objective with ourselves. People see us for what we are, while we see ourselves as we believe we are. This distinction keeps us from realizing or accepting that we might need help from someone else, especially if we are helpers ourselves. However, helpers need to know that they are not the only helpers in the world and that there is someone in their circle that can be what they are to everyone else.

In short, do not be afraid to ask for help, especially if you are a helper. The wisdom that you can gain from being helped might be helpful to someone else down the line.

One Should Never “Misplace” Anger

The notion of being angry at one person or situation and taking that anger out on a different person is known as misplaced or displaced anger. Many people find that when they are angry with one person or situation, every other person or thing they encounter reignites those feelings. Sadly, this creates tension and hurt feelings where they are not necessary.

 Often when people are angry, they are fully aware of the source of the anger. They know and can acknowledge what made them mad, but seldom is the issue resolved. Once the person is angry, efforts to resolve the problem cease, and the person walks away with hurt feelings that fester unchecked. Because of this, the pain caused by the hurt follows the person throughout future encounters.

 The simple cure for this is to discuss the feelings. If the hurt comes from an argument or conversation, stop the discussion and indicate to the other party that what just occurred was hurtful. This way, once both parties address the hurt feelings, the conversation can continue and can be more fruitful because now each person is aware that they are treading into painful areas. Unfortunately, once a person has hurt the other, both parties start to believe that the other is not entitled to feelings, which opens the door to more pain.

 Another option is to discuss the feelings with a neutral third party. The party should be someone who has nothing to gain by telling the truth. Speaking to an outsider will help the person to address their pain before it transfers to someone else. Many parents attempt to teach their children this very lesson. Talking about their feelings allows people to put what is inside on the outside. Often, hearing what we are feeling helps us understand what we are holding inside. From this, we might be able to discover the best method for resolving the hurt.

 Displacing anger is similar to pouring gas on a fire. Instead of solving one issue by addressing the hurt feelings, the injured party starts injuring others, which leads to a community of hurt feelings. I’m mad at you, so I hurt someone else. That person is now mad at me, so he hurts someone else, and so on. Suddenly, an entire household or office is full of people upset for one reason or another due to the spark that ignited a larger flame.

Instead of staying angry when feelings are hurt or transferring that hurt to someone else, take the time to address the source of the pain and resolve the issue. This way, innocent bystanders are not injured because you were made at someone and chose to take it out on someone else. 

Total Honesty Prepares Children for The Worst Possible Scenarios

My kids say that sometimes, when offering guidance, I am overly dramatic, because I often relate my advice to the worst possible scenarios. This is because I believe that if a person at least considers the worst possible outcome to their situation, then they will be prepared for anything that happens with that situation. It is like what Clausewitz wrote in his book on war. Clausewitz wrote that we should not prepare only for what we think that an opponent might do, but we should prepare for all that we know an opponent is capable of, and this is what I have tried to teach my children about life. Heightened preparedness creates a competitive advantage.

One thing that I discuss in this vein with my children is the matter of honesty. When they were younger, I told them that they should always be honest with their parents. The reason that I gave for this was because there might be an instance where they are faced with expulsion from school or prison time because they are accused of a heinous act. As a parent, I always wanted to be able to stand behind my children and believe their version of the story.

My instruction to my children was to always be honest with their parents. That way, without question, if the children said that they were innocent, then we could stand behind our children with impunity. When asked by my children why it had to be expulsion or prison, I would reply that it was because these were the worse cases, and as I mentioned, they would be prepared for anything less than this.

Parents will always defend their children against outside forces, but many times, though the parents stand behind the kids no matter what, when the forces provide evidence that the children are not being truthful, the parents are made to look foolish for not knowing the child as well as they thought. However, an unflinching policy of honesty between child and parent and vice versa creates unyielding support from the parents and prepares the children to be able to face down the worst possible scenarios with the knowledge that they have built-in support from their parents.

Asking For Help Does Not Make One Weak

When I was in high school, Driver’s Ed was a required class, and I took it during the 2^nd semester of my 10^th grade year. After the class, I could have gotten my driving permit, but because I wasn’t willing to discuss things with other people, I didn’t. I took Driver’s Training during the 1^st semester of my 11^th grade year, and after the class, I could have gotten my driver’s license, but because I wasn’t willing to discuss things with people, I didn’t. When I finally went to the DMV to take the written test, so much time had passed since taking Driver’s Ed, and since I hadn’t studied, I failed the test twice. I passed the test a year later, but I went from possibly having a driver’s license at 15, to getting it a few months shy of 17; not a big difference, but a difference. 

During this same time, I had amassed enough credits to be able to graduate from high school one semester early. However, when I approached my counselor to tell her that I was ready to leave school, she asked me if I had taken the Civics class that was required for seniors. When I realized that I hadn’t, I was forced to return to school for an additional semester in order to take a single class. As it turned out, if I had spoken to my counselor before my senior year in high school, I would have known about the class, would have taken the class, and would have finished high school one semester early. 

The meaning of this is that young people often convince themselves that older generations are not able to relate to the modern times, and thus cannot offer advice or information that will help the current generation. The truth is that experience is a great teacher, and people who have experienced things can use those experiences as educational tools for the next generations. 

I always tell my children that they need to be willing to, and cannot be afraid to, ask for help. It is possible to learn things on one’s own, but at times, there will be a need to get answers from people who have information that we do not have, or who can give us insight into an unknown situation, like with my driver’s license. 

Asking for help does not make a person weak or inferior. In fact, the opposite is true. Greater strength is required when we admit that we do not know everything, and that help is needed, or that we simply need to speak to someone about our situation. Stewing in a vat of misinformation does not make us stronger. Asking for help shows strength, and receiving help when needed strengthens us even more.

What You Did in the Past Could Affect Your Future

The current climate of famous men being brought to task because of inappropriate actions that happened in years past reminds me of a bit of advice that I received from my mother, and that I passed along to my children. The advice was to be careful with what you are doing because your indiscretions might not come back on you today, but they will almost certainly come back to you when you least expect it. 

As the number of famous and powerful men who are being outed due to their inappropriate sexual behavior continues to grow, very few of them are actually denying the claims. Many are simply apologizing for their actions, and are accepting their punishments. As a result, these men are resigning from, or are being fired from their jobs, or are having jobs taken away from them, and are costing themselves millions of dollars. Sadly however, very few of these claims are related to recent actions. Many are from several years or decades ago, and the actions are just now catching up with the men. 

I have often told my children that the things that they do today will affect their lives tomorrow. Whether it is the appearance of an 18-year-old unknown child, a forgotten arrest, or, as in the case of these men, sexual misconduct that was thought to have been overlooked, forgotten or dismissed, these things tend to resurface, particularly as people get rich, famous and powerful. When these situations arise, they must be dealt with, whereas, if they had been dealt with at the time that they occurred, or better yet, had never occurred, the events and actions would not be haunting their perpetrators years later. 

The moral of this is in order to not be caught flat-footed because of a stupid thing from the past; we must try not to do stupid things. The question surrounding Dallas Cowboys Running Back Ezekiel Elliott was whether or not he would be able and allowed to play football again, when it should have been a question of why he keeps getting into trouble, and how to keep it from happening again. These men are in trouble today because of misguided actions from their pasts, but if they had been thinking beyond the moment in time, and looking towards their futures, perhaps they would have been mindful of how their then-present actions would affect their futures.

Through God, We Control Our Fate (Excerpt from "Things I've Learned From the Word")

Many of us allow temptation to lead us to sin, and when we sin, we are likely to blame God, feeling that he should have protected us from the temptation, or given us the strength to overcome the temptation that led us to sin. We are both correct and incorrect in this assumption, and the bible, in Chapter 1 of the Book of James, explains this dichotomy, beginning at verse 12:

¹² Blessed is the man who endures temptation; for when he has been approved, he will receive the crown of life which the Lord has promised to those who love Him. ¹³ Let no one say when he is tempted, “I am tempted by God”; for God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does He Himself tempt anyone. ¹⁴ But each one is tempted when he is drawn away by his own desires and enticed. ¹⁵ Then, when desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, brings forth death.

 There will be times in our lives when we will all be pushed to a point of confrontation. Whether it is someone who we work with who is always disagreeable, or someone who we work for who drives us unnecessarily hard. Many was the time when I worked on a job that I wanted to resign because I felt as if the boss was too stern for the level of work that we were doing. I have also been the supervisor who felt as if the staff should have been performing at a certain level and tried to push them, perhaps too harshly, to that level. I have also been a person who endured a good amount of bullying and teasing during my school years. There were those who were jealous of my academic success, and there were those who just didn’t like the way that I looked; but whatever the reason, I was picked on a lot. 

The bible says that the man who perseveres or remains steadfast in the face of trials, will receive the crown of life which the Lord has promised to those who love Him. So what we see here is that God recognizes that as believers, we will be tested and pushed, but, as believers, God expects a greater level of restraint. Matthew 5:16 says that as believers, we should let our Godly lights shine before men in such a way that they may see our good works, and will glorify the Father who is in heaven. This is to say that we should behave in such a manner that just through how we carry ourselves, others will be inspired by us to give glory to the Lord on their own. 

The reason that the bible says that the man who endures temptation will be blessed is because, as the bible says in verse 13, “God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does He Himself tempt anyone”, therefore, “let no one say when he is tempted, ‘I am tempted by God’”. God will not tempt us or allow us to be tempted, but God has given us the power to overcome or to look beyond temptation, and to endure the trials that will come upon us as believers in God.

Some years ago, while I was in a neighborhood that was not the most ideal place to be, and while I was waiting for the person whom I had dropped off to return so that we could leave, I was standing next to my car when I was confronted by two armed men. The men demanded my wallet, and I promptly did as I was told. Once the two men ran away from me and got into their car, my next impulse was to get into my car and attempt to follow them, perhaps hoping to draw the attention of the police while I was chasing the robbers. After chasing them through several back allies and neighborhoods, my pursuit was interrupted when another vehicle crossed my path and impeded my progress. Since I no longer knew where the men had gone, I discontinued the chase, but the first thing that I did was to ask God why he allowed that to happen to me, and then I asked God how he could let me make such a dumb decision. 

To read the rest of this passage, pick up a copy of Things That I Learned from the Word @ Amazon.com (goo.gl/nj7ywA)

Follow Eric E. Jenkins on Twitter, Instagram & Facebook @ ericejenkins65 

We Should Let The Bible Be Our Guide (Excerpt from "Things I've Learned From the Word")

Lots of people will get a new device, will take the thing out of its packaging, and will start trying to use it without knowing what the thing is capable of or how the thing does what it is supposed to do. We will buy a new camera and will immediately start trying to take pictures, and when we can’t figure it out, we get frustrated. We will buy a washing machine, and will immediately pile it full of dirty clothes, only to be confused by all of the buttons and switches on the front of the machine.

I actually once bought a car, and after driving it around for a couple of years, a warning light started showing on my dashboard. I looked at the light and, thinking that I knew what the light represented, I took the car to my mechanic and informed him that I needed a new alternator because the light was on. The mechanic was an honest man, and after checking the car, he told me that my alternator was fine and that I had no problems. I saw the light and insisted that something was wrong. The mechanic told me that he didn’t see a light telling me that the alternator was faulty, but I insisted and demanded that he replace it. The mechanic did what I requested and, after spending around $200 on the repair, drove away with a new alternator, only to have the light come on again after I had been driving for about an hour. At this point, I decided to go to my glove compartment and look in the owner’s manual to see what this light meant. What I found was that my car was low on anti-freeze, and the reason that the mechanic didn’t see the light was because the car was sitting still, so the fluid was not moving around and causing the sensor to react. So I went to an auto parts store, spent $15 on a gallon of anti-freeze, filled up the reservoir and the light went out and stayed out. Knowing that there was no way that I could get a refund on the alternator, I looked at the situation as a $200 lesson, telling me that I should have consulted the instruction manual before going off on my own.

The bible is the word of God, and is the instruction manual for our lives. The bible tells us what we need to do in order to live according to how God desires us to, and it also tells us what will happen to us if we do not obey. Just like the instruction manual for the device tells us how to make the device work, it also tells us what things that we should not do, and what to do if certain things go wrong, because the manufacturer knows that these things could go wrong. When we get saved, like the bible says in 2nd Corinthians 5:17 “if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation”, and as a new creation, this means that we have a new instruction manual. 

To read the rest of this passage, pick up a copy of Things That I Learned from the Word @ Amazon.com (goo.gl/nj7ywA)

Follow Eric E. Jenkins on Twitter, Instagram & Facebook @ ericejenkins65