Stop Making Excuses for Failures

One thing that I notice from my children is that they always have a reason regarding what happened when they fail or they don’t measure up. While nearly everything that happens can possibly be explained, many times, when a person does not meet their goal or does not accomplish what they set out to accomplish, the reason usually is that the person fell short of reaching their goal and there is no other explanation necessary.

When I speak to my children, I often have to explain to them the difference between a “reason” and an “excuse”. The definition of a “reason” is a statement presented in justification or explanation of a belief or action, while “excuse” is defined as a reason or explanation put forward to defend or justify a fault or offense. While it appears that these words mean the same, using the word “reason” to define “excuse”, and using “action” in the definition of one and “fault” in the definition of the other uncovers the difference. When something happens, we can explain it by stating the reason. When something bad happens, we try to explain it away by making an excuse.

If a person who rips their pants says that they fell and skinned their knee, which is how the pants ripped, they are explaining the reason that their pants are ripped and that their knee is bloody. However, when a person says that their homework is not complete because they had trouble understanding the work, yet they neglected to ask for help, they are making an excuse in an attempt to cover up their not asking for help when they were struggling with their work. It is here where I attempt to instruct my children on the difference between the two words.

I often tell my children, and other young people that I am fortunate enough to speak with, that when we use excuses to cover up our failures or our lack of effort; we are attempting to justify our own mediocrity or our own flaws. If a child does not understand their math homework, and if the parents cannot help, surely, there is someone who can, even if the child has to go to the teacher to explain that the child does not understand the work. However, when the child comes home and says that the class was too noisy for the child to be able to ask a question, or that the teacher didn’t pause during class for questions, I explain to my children that these are excuses for the child’s lack of effort and possibly, the child’s lack of commitment.

It is important that all people, both young and old, understand that unless we have done everything in our power to manage or overcome a problem, any explanation of our failure is probably an excuse because if there is more that we can do to solve the problem, then we should not be focusing on the failure. The truth is that we should be evaluating the failure so that we can determine an alternative course of action.

One thing that we as parents have to remember is that often times, the children do not realize that they have not exhausted all avenues for solving their problems. They will tell us that they are failing in a class because the teacher is too hard, but they do not realize that if someone is passing the class, then there is something that the passing child has figured out that the failing child has not. The child may believe that the teacher is simply too hard, and if a couple of other students are also struggling, then this must be the reason, but if one or more children are passing, the child might not have considered asking the passing children for help, but this would be a child admitting that they need help, and getting a child to do that is a topic for another day.

Parents have to understand that children are going to make excuses for their failures. As parents, our job is to take the excuses and turn them into teaching moments and opportunities to introduce the other options to our children. If the child thinks that the teacher is too hard, then we let the child know that if a single child is passing, then that child should become a resource. However, the most important thing that we can teach our children is to not accept failure and mediocrity, and to teach them that success comes from continued effort.

The "They" that is Holding You Back Might Actually Be "You"

Many times in our lives, both as children and as adults, we find ourselves in situations where we are not sure why the bad thing that has happened to us has happened. Often times, when we are at a loss for a logical explanation, we will simply say that “they” didn’t want us to succeed. However, what we need to ask ourselves is “they” really who we think it is.

I knew a young lady some years ago who was a very good worker with really good skills in her chosen profession. Whatever the job was that she was given, she could do the work expertly and quickly, but this was her problem. She would often be released from positions, but whenever she was questioned about her terminations; her answer would always be “they don’t like me on that job”. When I would ask her who “they” was, she would say “everybody on the job”, meaning the bosses, her co-workers and everyone else. I would try to explain that it was unlikely that everyone at the company disliked her personally, and the reality of the situation would often be much different.

After discussing the situation with her, I would discover that being highly skilled would allow her to complete her assigned work very quickly. However, once she was done with her work, she would sit at her desk with nothing to do until quitting time. When her supervisors would ask why she was not working, she would explain that she had finished her work and that no one has assigned her any new work. When the supervisors would ask why she hadn’t asked her co-workers if they needed help with their work, she usually didn’t have an answer, and it would be this lack of initiative that would lead to her dismissal. The point of this is that before we blame “they”, we need to figure out what, if any, part we might have played on our own trouble.

My children have come to learn that no matter what happens in their lives, there is almost always a cause and effect, meaning that something probably happened that caused that other thing to happen. If one child is crying and is running to me to tell me that the other child has hit him or her, I will ask the child who was hit what happened just before they were hit. Sometimes, after taking the events in reverse order, through several exchanges, the person who was hit actually began the chain of events that ended with the child being hit by the other child. While the hitting child will be disciplined for resorting to violence to resolve a conflict, the child who was hit will be educated with regards to the fact that something that they did eventually led to them being hit, and that it is not just a situation of the other child being mean to them.

What we as people have to do, before we claim that no one wants to hire us because they don’t like us, or because of our race or gender, we should look at ourselves. Before we claim that society is holding us back, we should look at ourselves. Maybe we have a Twitter account or a Facebook account that has disturbing information on it. Maybe our previous employer intimated that we didn’t work very hard. Maybe we have an arrest for theft, and now an employer that has an opening for someone to handle money doesn’t trust us to be honest. In short, there might be things about us that are keeping us from succeeding or advancing.

What I have told my children is that in some instances, the “they” that is causing the problem is actually us. The person that is holding us back could be us. We could actually be in our own way, but we are blaming “they” because we do not want to admit that we are not doing enough to help ourselves. Unfortunately,  before we blame “they”, we have to examine the situation, and look at all of the events that led to the happening that we are upset over, because we might find out that the “they” that is in our way is actually “us”.